The Video
by Lady Suji
Summary: Matt and Al have just recently started dating after a long friendship. Al invites Matt to his house during a rainstorm,and soon the couple gets bored. But, Al has 'The Video' up his sleeve! With Francis' help, they both join Matt into the group! AlxMatt
1. Chapter 1: The Video

A/N: This popped in my head. There's something jolly-good wrong with me! It's teh first chappty-chappy. :D

If Melissa is the only one reading this, prepare yourself for my usual pervy-randomness. :D

(Melissa has an account 2! Melissa364!)

She's my Cabbage-friend! And no, of course I didn't just make that nickname up! Serious! *insert nervous laugh* don't kill me Melissa... O.o

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN HETALIA! If I did, the things I would make them do... Especially Russia... The naughty, naughty, NAUGHTY THINGS! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA*cough cough* HAHAHA! :3

Reviewing will make me and England happier. :3

Onward to storyland, Mr. Pinky Peg! *flies away with England and Mr. Pinky Peg, the pink Pegasus*

698 words in this first one, btw, so it's not that long. :3

Matt sprawled out on Alfred's couch lazily, staring at the television. Nothing particularly interesting was on, and it was pouring rain outside. Well, for about a week it had been pouring buckets. When the rain first started, Al had insisted Matt come over, saying, "Being the hero I am, I can't let you be alone during a storm! You should stay over! I'm the hero, so it's my _job _to see that you're safe". Matt smiled to himself. He couldn't help but giggle at his new boyfriend's protective tendencies. He also thought it was adorable that Al thought he was a superhero. Matt never said he wasn't, so the more rambunctious blonde kept the persona up. '_He's so sweet and he doesn't even know it_...' Matt thought happily. Ever since he started dating Al, he has been nothing but sweet and funny, despite being a little bit oblivious to certain things. But, he treated Matt almost, well, like a princess, and spoiled him silly. Matt turned his head, and he watched Alfred cook on the stove. Of course, lo and behold, Alfred was cooking his favorite: cheeseburgers. The grilling stove sizzled and hissed as he whistled to himself. He took out a tall, crisp white chef hat, which he placed slightly askew on his head. He also wore an apron that said "Kiss and Sleep with the Cook", which he borrowed from Matt's perverted older brother Francis. Matt's giggles turned into pure laughter as Alfred started shrilly whistling "My milkshakes bring all the boys to the yard..." Hearing Matt laugh, Al turned around and flashed his trademark Hollywood grin. His pearly white teeth shined, despite the darkness outside. His blue orbs sparkled, and those pair of eyes reflected his persona perfectly; happy, free-spirited, and fun. Matt felt butterflies, but smiled back, and a light blush rouged his cheeks. After a moment, Al turned back to his cooking. He whistling turned into humming, and then he started singing a loud, slightly out of tune version of "I Know You Want Me", and swung his hips, and Matt felt his pants get a little bit tighter. '_Thank goodness I'm wearing jeans_!' Matt thought with relief, still giggling. Then, Al slapped his ass, and looked at Matt with a seductively strong gaze.

"Yea, I know you want _me_~ you know I want'cha! Yes, you Matt! You want me like Louis Lane wants SUPAMAN! Woohoo!" Alfred sang, pointing at Matt, before dramatically swinging his hips, giving his butt another slap, and turning back to his burgers, his shoulders shaking slightly as he laughed.

Matt was reduced to a giggling mess, and he fell off the couch (A/N: I can't even tell you guys how many times that happened to me). After composing himself, Matt stood up, and strolled up to Al, and hugged him from the side. Matt still had a smile prominent on his face, and Al kissed him on the forehead, as he wrapped his arm around the smaller blonde's shoulder.

"Al, I'm kinda bored, although your little show was really fun to watch. What should we do?" Matt inquired, looking up to his boyfriend with a gentle grin. Alfred smiled back, but, his smile appeared to be, well, more devious.

"You need to see 'The Video.'"

"What's 'The Video'?" Matt replied, his brows scrunching in confusion. Alfred chuckled, and gently moved away from Matt's embrace, and picked up the phone. He dialed a phone number, and then held the receiver to his ear.

"Hey, Francis? Yea, it's Al. I need you to come over here and bring 'The Video' or some of the other videos. Matt wants to see them... You can? Awesome, see ya!"

Alfred put the receiver back on the dial with a dangerous smirk. He chuckled darkly.

"You sure you want to see it?" Matt shook his head eagerly, wanting to find out what the fuss was all about.

"You offered to show it, so of course I'm curious!" Matt replied with an innocent smile. Alfred only laughed and kissed his naive boyfriend on the forehead. Matt giggled cutely, and Alfred's smirk grew. Little did Matt know, it was going to be a strange, strange night.


	2. Chapter 2: The Video Revealed!

A/N: And so the smutty-ness begins... Muhahahahaha! What will happen will be revealed in the story, Melissa, or whoever reads my smuttyful and stupid writings... XD

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HETALIA! If I did, Russia wouldn't wear any clothing. Nothing. And America would let me bake cookies on his sexyful six pack while France chases England while drunk. And naked. ;3

And no, I do not have a problem. XD

I DON'T OWN ANY SONGS! THEY BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTED OWNERS!

France-sensei commands you to review... :3

I'm so special-ed, I fart out sparkles. AND IT TASTES LIKE PEE AND SUNSHINE DUST! Lol XD

Anyway, back to the story!

This chappy is longer, 1,044 words, oh my!

EDIT: And I love you guys. Virtual cookies for everyone, haha!

_**Ding Dong**_!

Matt immediately jumped up to open the door, but Al stopped him. Matt pouted, but Al responded with a half grin and a kiss to the smaller blonde's forehead. Matt's pout softened into a smile, and Alfred walked to the door.

"You have the tapes?"

"_Oui_, but are you sure _mon cher_ _Matthieu_ can handle this? It is kind of graphic. You saw it by accident. You were only 13! God, Matt didn't know about sex until junior year of high school!"

"Let Matt see it..." Alfred started, but then lowered it to a muffled whisper as Francis nodded, his look of concern turning into a wicked grin, and said French blonde turned to his little brother, then back to Al, and nodded. Both walked back to Matt, and Francis proceeded to the DVD player that sat under the TV cabinet.

"Now, Matthieu, are you sure you want to see this? Once you've seen it, you can't take it back. You must also never tell anyone else, except others who have seen 'The Video'. The people who have seen it are Antonio, Lovino, Feliciano, Ludwig, Gilbert, Alfred, Ivan, and I. Everyone had a different feeling about it, but they all ended up finding it hilarious. You can only address it as 'The Video'. Understood?" Francis explained, his face set into a serious expression. Matt nodded solemnly, and replied, "It's almost like I'm being initiated into a college fraternity."

"Well, it's pretty close." Alfred replied with a smirk as Francis inserted the disk. Once it was set up and started playing, Al turned off the lights and sat next to Matt. Francis turned the volume up. At first, the screen was black. Suddenly, the lights flashed on the television screen, and Arthur, Alfred's older brother, appeared on the screen.

"Hello~..." Arthur purred with his thick British accent, and he backed up. Matt' mouth dropped as he saw the older man's costume. He wore a flamboyant red pirate outfit, with yellow trim on the shoulders, and gold buttons. He wore a ruffled blouse under the heavy red coat, and wore matching black pants. On top of his head was a large red hat, with huge white feathers protruding from the top.

"Are you ready~*hiccup*?" Arthur asked, with a tone that was supposed to be sexy, but ended up slurred.

"Oui, Arthur, take it away, _mon lapin_!" Francis replied on the television screen. Alfred and Francis were, truthfully, laughing their asses off. Back on the TV, Arthur smiled, and staggered to the center of the room. It was a white room, with red carpet, and Arthur winked at the camera, and accidentally walked into the wall. He only laughed it off, and began to sway his hips. Then, he backed away from the wall, and began to do a 'Struttin that ass' kind of dance move (A/N: watch the video if you hadn't!). Arthur also started doing a mix between the mackerana and the pelvic thrust, and he threw his head back and cackled. Then, he tripped on his foot, and fell on the ground, but laughed it off in his drunken state, and started flailing on the ground, trying to do something reminiscent of 'the worm'. He stood up and turned to the camera, and started doing Lady Gaga dance moves.

"Raa Raa aa aa aaah~~! Roma Roma ma*hiccup*! Gaga oohlala! Want your bloody~ frog *hiccup* romance!" Arthur began to sing, slurring and giggling as he twirled around and swayed his hands. Then, he pointed at the camera. "Watch out Lady Ga*hiccup*Ga, there' a new lady in town, and his bloody fucking~ name is Lady*hiccup**burp*ARTHUR!" Arthur exclaimed in a drunken rage, and he ripped off his hat.

"_Oui_, Lady Arthur, show us some dance moves, no?" Francis asked, and Arthur grinned cheekily.

"Bloody frog, always creeping~! You're too damn sexy for your own bloody good! Fine, I'll dance, but not in this hoooo*hiccup*tt~ outfit!" Arthur replied, slipping off his red jacket. He whipped it around his head while thrusting into the air.

"I am the king of the seas~ and the music scene~~~! Lady Arthur!" Arthur yelled, throwing the jacket, before unbuttoning his shirt and pulling down his pants. Once he was freed from the constricting clothing, Arthur revealed a sparkly British Flag thong. It glittered as his, er, 'junk' bounced, and bounced, and _bounced_. Although Matt was laughing his ass off too at this point, he was still shocked. Arthur, the most prim and proper person Matt had ever met, doing _that_. Al always said Arthur had always had a stick up his ass, but this proved that wrong.

"She's my man and we got all the balls we need~!" Arthur sang, swinging his hips around, "When ya taste that pavement your amazed she smells yo' sympathy~~!" Arthur staggered, but continued to dance, "So Fran~~~cis, get on ya knees! And go suck on mah huuuuge Brit DICK!" Arthur sang, and Matt could hear Francis laughing in the background.

"No, no Arthur, _mon cher_, not tonight." Francis replied.

"Bloody frog*belch*, get your ass over here!" Arthur shrieked, and the camera was swiftly taken by Francis from its tri pod, and said blonde was now running for the door, the camera jiggling. Once Francis was out of the room, Francis rushed down the stairs and turned the camera to Arthur. He was completely irate, and had a huge erection concealed poorly under his very, '_patriotic_' thong. Francis, Alfred and Matt were all laughing at the poor, drunk, horny Brit.

"Get back here, frog!" Arthur yelled, and Francis laughed again on the TV screen. Francis began to run again, and Matt recognized that it was Francis' house, except, bottles of liquor were lined on tables, and Gilbert, Ludwig, Feliciano, Lovino, and Antonio were all passed out, and Ivan sat on the couch, laughing at Arthur and Francis.

"Run, comrade, run! Hahahaha!" Ivan bellowed in his deep Russian accent, and laughed as he took another swig of his vodka. Francis, who was still running, finally stopped, and turned around to see Arthur, passed out on the floor. The thong was also gone, so the drunken Brit was completely naked.

"I am never deleting this, _mon cher_ Arthur~..." Francis purred on the TV, and the camera clicked off.


	3. Chapter 3: There's more than One?

A/N: Holy crap-ola! You guys really like this story? I write it at like 2 am, but then again, that's when I have the most inspiration anyway. (thank you again Alex san 12012 for telling me about that lil' loop hole ) WOOT WOOT CHICKA CHIKA BANGGG! I have Cartman tourettes!(a.k.a 'pseudo' or just fake tourettes)

**WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS MORE GRAPHIC! **Just saying homeys fo shizzle. But it isn't as bad as some other stuff I've read. O.e

FrUk in this one. Oh yeaya! You noes you loves it. XD

I'm sorry I haven't updated in a couple of days… I had writers block. So I'm sorry if this chapter is a wonderland of CRAP~~!

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HETALIA! If I did, my fellow readers and writers, England would have more air time. With his magic British Flag thong on (which Melissa will not give me back…) and on a Unicorn/Pegasus/Dora-the-Explorer with flowing blonde hair and Excalibur singing his mighty song 'EXCALIBUR! EXCALIBUR! From United Kingdom I'm looking for heaven I'm going to California!' and have Russia roll around on the ground yelling 'PANTS ON DA GROUND! PANTS ON THE GROUND! LOOKIN' LIKE A FOOL WITH YA PANTS ON THE GROUND!", and I would watch, eating churros with Spain and South Italy. Good day to you, sirs and madams! XD

I DON'T OWN ANY SONGS! THEY BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTED OWNERS!

I DON'T OWN ANYTHING AT ALL! (except my thoughts…kukuku…)

South Korea invented reviewing. He wants ya to! :3 (lil' hint of who the tourist is)

1,298 words WOOT WOOT!

Matt, Alfred, and Francis laughed for about a good ten minutes after the camera clicked off, and Matt couldn't even believe what just happened on the television screen. '_Arthur, dancing like a stripper in a pirate costume? What the hell was that?_' Matt thought incredulously.

"The power of alcohol… Jeez!"

"_Oui_!" Francis replied, bellowed out a laugh again. After a couple seconds, the trio calmed down.

"Well, Mattie, you're part of the group! Congrats! We thought that would be too much for you! But now, you have to help us catch Arthur for the 7th installment in the saga." Alfred exclaimed, pulling Matt into a hug.

"Wait, what? You made six already and now you need my help with the seventh one? And by the way, I'm not that sheltered. I lived with Francis until college. Don't think I didn't catch onto stuff like _that_…" Matt replied, and winked at Alfred. Alfred blushed, and Francis looked at Matt in disbelief.

"But I didn't tell you about sex until junior year of high school!" Francis cried, "_Mon petit Matthieu! _Did you hear conversations I had with Antonio and Gilbert?"

Matt nodded, and Francis looked down. But Matt smiled, and added, "If it makes you feel any better, most of what I learned was from school, and television." Francis looked back up and smiled in reply.

"Hey, Francis, do you have the other ones?" Al asked, and Francis smirked.

"I have the whole collection so far, _mon cher_ Alfred."

"Well, put in the next one, man!" Alfred said happily, gesturing to the DVD. Francis grinned, and opened up the DVD player. Once the infamous first disk popped out, the oldest blonde inserted the second disk. When Francis sat down, the video started. In the video, Francis was walking with his camera, and a strange woman was stomping down the street in front of him. They were walking through a big city, and it was dark, so it was obviously night time.

"_Mon cher,_ turn around and smile for _le_ camera!" Francis exclaimed, and the woman whipped around, her green eyes burning with rage. She had bleach blonde hair, excessive makeup, and wore a dress, similar to something an old movie star would wear. '_I think Marilyn Monroe wore something like that…_' Matt thought, his undivided attention on the TV screen. Alfred was already hysterically laughing. Her hair was also, well, slightly askew, and Matt tilted his head in confusion. She smirked coldly.

"Bloody frog~, why do you have me in this dress*hiccup*?" The man hissed (or at least tried). Matt's eyes widened in sudden realization.

"IS THAT ARTHUR?" Matt screamed, and Francis nodded with a grin, and shushed Matt. Arthur staggered on the TV screen, but continued walking in the original direction _he _was walking in. Francis chuckled on the screen, and they walked for a couple of minutes.

"I am Arthur Monroe~~~, movie _star_, and this dress is tacky!" Arthur drunkenly yelled, animatedly swinging his arms around.

"What, _mon cher_?" Francis asked, suppressing laughs.

"You~~ want _me _to do a sexy manhole dance, don't you?" Arthur replied, not answering Francis' question, "Besides, I knoooo~~w you love it!" He then swung his hips around, and turned his heel. With that said, Arthur ran ahead, and went over a manhole on the sidewalk. He turned around to see the Frenchman, and he gasped in surprise. The air made his dress fly up, but instead of covering himself up, he put his hands on his hips, and grinned. For under the dress, you see, was Arthur's… _manhood_. It stood fully erect, and in plain view. He didn't even bother putting on a thong. The Britons legs were also incredibly hairy, and he laughed. Matt stared at the screen, nervously laughing. Alfred was literally rolling on the floor laughing, and Francis laughed too, and Matt noticed a small bulge forming in said Frenchman's pants. After a couple of seconds, however, Arthur's face dropped, and soon, he was screaming.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL! YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THIS WOULD HAPPEN!" Arthur shrieked, running away from the manhole. Francis laughed at his drunken lover, who was fanning his 'junk'. The camera bounced as Francis rushed over. "That burnt~~~ kiss it better, you stupid _Frenchie_. IT was YOUR idea~~*hiccup*!"

"No, it was your idea, _mon cher_."

"IT was YOURS! SUCK MY MANHOOD~, WOMAN!" Arthur shrieked, and yet again, Francis was running. The camera was bouncing, but you could see that someone was bounding the corner. Francis made a sigh of relief on camera when he saw it was Gilbert.

"Hold the camera. Please!" Francis pleaded, and Gilbert chuckled. He pushed the camera to his friend and swiftly turned down the corner.

"Since I'm such an awesome friend and camera man, I will." Gil replied condescendingly, and he focused the camera on Arthur. Said British man was running awkwardly down the street, with mascara running down his face in streams. The wig was sliding off his head, daring to fly away. His white pumps slipped off, and his dress flew up as he ran, revealing his 'junk'. Several male passerby's wolf called at poor, drunk Arthur, and he replied, "SCREW YOU PIGS~*burp*!"

As he was running, his blonde wig flew off his head, and hit a poor tourist in the face. Arthur continued running, and Gilbert laughed when he saw the tourist place it on his head, and laugh as he walked away. But before he left, the man exclaimed with a wave and a toothy grin, "당신이 트랜스 젠더 감사합니다!(thank you transvestite!)"

"Crazy Asian tourists…" Gilbert mumbled with a chuckle. Once Arthur ran up to Gilbert, you could see the anger in his eyes.

"WHERE THE BLOODY*hiccup* HELL IS THAT*hiccup**burp* FROG?" Arthur shrieked, and added with a needy whimper, "He _needs_ to help me~~~!" Gilbert chuckled, and replied, pointing to the direction Francis ran in, "He went that way!"

"Thank*belch* you~~~." Arthur said, before bounding down the sidewalk, running sloppily with his dress whipping behind him. Francis, who supposedly thought Gilbert would stop Arthur, only made it about two blocks down the street, and walked at a more relaxed pace. Arthur made it one block before singing manically, "GET BACK HERE FROG~~! ONE WAY~ OR ANOTHER~ I'M GONNA FIND YA! I'M GONNA GET CHA GET CHA GET CHA GET CHA~~*burp**hiccup**belch*! "

Francis turned around, and Gilbert zoomed in on his expression. Francis' mouth was agape, and his eyes widened. He swiftly turned, and began to run. Gilbert followed right behind Arthur, laughing his ass off. Arthur ran even faster than before, and eventually captured the unfortunate French blonde. Francis shrieked when Arthur tackled him, and pinned his arms down. Gilbert caught up to them, and zoomed in on both of their faces.

"I win~~, now suck my junk, woman!" Arthur whispered before crashing his lips into Francis'. Francis tried to push back, but Arthur wasn't having that. Instead, the drunken Brit grinded his hips into the man below him, and Francis gasped. Then, Arthur took one of Francis' hands and forcefully made him grab his steadily growing arousal. Francis, despite it being dark outside, had a very prominent blush.

"HAHAHA- ugh…" Arthur exclaimed, before passing out on Francis. Francis looked around, and then up to the camera.

"You stupid German! What the hell? You were supposed to stop him!" Francis exclaimed in disbelief. Gilbert only laughed, and replied, "_Mein gott_ dude, I knew this would happen! I'm so awesome, and now, you owe me 20 dollas! WOOT WOOT! I'm gonna go to the strip club now!" Then, he reached into Francis' back pocket and stole said amount of cash, before running away with the camera.

"YOU LITTLE SON OF A-!"

Then, the camera clicked off.


	4. Chapter 4: What the Heck is This?

A/N: So, here's chapter 4! I hope you guys enjoy this one… I sure did. :3

And thanks to Melissa for her ever crazy wisdom, and help for inspiring me. She's mah homey fo shizzle! LOLOLOLZ I HAVE ADHD now… and OCD… :3

Ooh, a butterfly! Ooh, a butterfly! EVERYTHING MUST BE PERFECT! (Death the Kid OCD)

XD

Anyway, on with the disclaimers!

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HETALIA! If I did, South Korea would grope Japan other countries in more 'vital regions' (and be in the actual _show_), Russia would be in my basement (for my entertainment… HAHAHA! I am an Adam Lambert fan. Kill me! XD [don't listen to me] what did I say? [don't tell me! Please!]), Belarus would be known as Lil' Blondie (cuz she's a RAPPER! She can spit out a rhyme on the spin of a dime!), and England would frolic in the flowers with his magical friends, and have Finland dress him up as Moonmin. (LOL! Look them up they're hilarious looking!)

Since when do I have schizophrenia? O.o

I DON'T OWN ANY SONGS! THEY BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTED OWNERS!

I DON'T OWN ANYTHING AT ALL! Especially not the Moonmin… They're so cute! :(

Enjoy! XD only 1,147 words… next chapter will be longer… I am evil… :3

This chappy [and the next ;)] is for you, Prussia fan girls/boys?(o.o)… whoever you are. XD

Matt stared at the TV screen with a permanent smile as they watched through the third and fourth movies. In the third, Arthur was drunk at a Christmas party, and the fourth was a 'continuation' of the party. Which meant Gilbert chased Francis and Arthur around chanting, "HAVE SEX! HAVE SEX!" Francis before had explained that in each video, Arthur thought that he was in a dream like state, so, he believed he was only in his dreams. In the morning, Arthur usually woke up in his bed. Matt grinned at his brother's explanation. Despite being very serious at times, Arthur had a vivid imagination. He secretly believed in fairies and magical beings, and once, Matt caught him talking to his magical friends. He giggled about it the rest of the week. But, he felt that these videos were, well, mean. But, he didn't say anything.

Francis put in the fifth video, and the blonde trio sat back and relaxed. The room was dark, and Matt swore he heard children and an odd voice singing on the television screen. It sounded familiar, but he couldn't put his finger on it. Matt recognized it was the original room, where Arthur had first danced on camera. Suddenly, the lights were on, and Arthur had a vibrant smile. Well, it was more like a creepy smile (A/N: IVAN TOOK OVER ARTHUR! Jk jk!). He just smiled at the camera, not even blinking for about five minutes. Matt took a sip of his water that sat on the glass coffee table. Finally, Arthur backed up, and revealed his outfit. Matt spewed his water, and Alfred laughed even harder. Arthur was dressed up as…

"BARNEY?" Matt shrieked in disbelief, and Alfred covered his boyfriend's mouth with his lips. The other blonde surprisingly did not taste like hamburgers, and instead, he had his own unique taste. Matt allowed Alfred to dominate the kiss, and the smaller blonde let out a little moan. When Alfred pulled away, he smiled and kissed Matt on the cheek. Matt blushed, but scooted closer to the other blonde. Francis smiled at both of them, and the three of them turned back to the TV.

"Hello boys and girls! I am Barney, Haha! And today, I have a special guest. His name is Francis, and he is made of CANDY! I found him in the Candy Cane forest with his magical gum drop fairy friends!" Arthur exclaimed at the camera, and he yanked Francis in front of the tri pod. A chuckle came from the camera, and Matt suspected it was Gilbert, seeing as he was Francis' partner in crime. Francis was stifling laughs as well, but he tried to keep his composure. He was wearing a red candy cane striped leotard, and pulled his hair back into a pony tail. Arthur grinned like a maniac, and licked Francis' face. _Licked_. Arthur's grin spread.

"He is made out of candy canes! Yummy- yummers! Riff, come over here, silly-willy!" Arthur squealed, and an orange dinosaur walked in front of the camera, his back to the device.

"Turn around!"

The orange dinosaur groaned, and turned around. Matt literally fell out of his seat, and Francis keeled over from laughing so hard. For you see, the orange dinosaur, Riff, was Alfred. He pushed his glasses back up onto his nose, and put on his best plastic smile.

"Hello kids!" He exclaimed with fake enthusiasm. Gilbert, of course, was barely controlling his laughing fits, and Alfred mouthed, '_I'm gonna kick your skinny German ass_!' That only made the albino laugh harder behind the camera, and Arthur yanked Alfred's arm.

"Riff! Riff! Taste Francis the Candy-man! He tastes delicious! Hohoho!" Arthur giggled, and Alfred flashed a nervous smile.

"Oh, n-n-no thank you, I'm not hungry, it's okay!"

"I think you should, _liebste_."

"Fuck you Gilbert!" Alfred hissed, and added, "You're dressed up as a yellow dinosaur named BJ! You're the porn star dinosaur!"

"You wish you were me, _liebste_! Don't be so jealous!"

"Shut up! I don't want to be a porn star! Besides, you supposedly like pickles. Obviously that's innuendo!"

"Do you want my pickle, Al?"

"No!"

"Taste the Candy-man, Riff!" Arthur cut off, in a dangerous tone, and Alfred replied, "B-But, I don't like peppermint, and-"

"LICK THE CANDY-MAN YOU LITTLE WANKER!" Arthur boomed, then covered his mouth with his hands. He looked at the camera with an expression of fear mixed with surprise.

"I'm sorry children, Riff is being a bad dinosaur, and Barney had to say a bad word. Please don't repeat this to your parents."

"How strong is the alcohol you gave him?"

"Umm, _oui, _um, well, we didn't exactly give him alcohol…"

"What? What did you give him?" Alfred asked, fear setting into his features.

"Uhh, LSD?"

"WHAT? ARTHUR'S HIGH?"

Arthur grinned and took all Al and Francis' hands and sang, "I Love you, you love me-"

"Arthur, you're friggin' high!" Alfred exclaimed, cutting off his older brother.

"We're a happy family,"

"No were not! More like dysfunctional!"

"With a great big hug and a kiss from me to you!" Arthur sang and kissed Francis on the cheek and hugged him, then moved toward Alfred and sang, "Won't you lick Francis' face too?"

"I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS FRANCIS!"

"But you're gay too, _non_?"

"What? Well, I mean, uhh, I-"

"I know you like Matt, _mon cher_!"

"Sh-shut up! He probably doesn't like me back, and- wait, how the hell is that related to licking your stupid face?"

Gilbert chuckled, and sauntered onto the screen. He was wearing a green dinosaur outfit, and he smirked at the three blondes.

"Now, since I am the most provocative and awesome dinosaur, I _will_ _**lick**_ Francis' face for you. Arthur wanted someone to, right? Even if he is high." Gilbert purred, and Alfred and Francis blushed, Alfred with rage and Francis with embarrassment, and Arthur squealed in delight. Gilbert motions to the camera, and Alfred trudged to the gadget. Gilbert winked at the camera, and licks Francis' face from the bottom of his chin to the top of his head. He trailed his tongue slowly, flicking his tongue at the sides of Francis' lips, and travelled upward. Francis shivered, and Gilbert smirks, and licks the shell of Francis' exposed ear. He looked seductively at the camera, and Matt felt automatically uncomfortable. '_What the hell is this?_ _Porn?_' Matt thought. Gilbert gave one last lick before pulling away.

"Wow, you do taste good, Francis…" Gilbert purred, and Francis glared at said albino. Arthur was giggling throughout, and pulled Francis out the door.

"We need the others to taste Mr. Candy-man!" Arthur exclaimed. Gilbert followed, and then, the camera clicked off. Francis was just about to go up and pop out the disk, but the screen showed the room again. Gilbert walked on the screen, and all three of their mouths dropped. Gilbert was dressed in a sexy mock German military uniform, with red suspenders, black short shorts, and a military hat with star pins clipped on. He winked at the camera, and purred, "Hello boys… _Sind Sie beriet_?"


	5. Chapter 5: Gilbert Striptease?

A/N: OMG I SORRY!

I HAVEN'T UPDATED IN A LONG TIME!

ME SORRY!

T.T

…

Anyway, this is when the striptease begins. :3

Kolkolkolz….

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HETALIA! Gosh, if I did, I would be in every single episode harassing all the characters and bear hugging Russia! :D

I DON'T OWN ANY SONGS! THEY BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTED OWNERS!

I DON'T OWN ANYTHING AT ALL! I wish I did though… :(

Pasta! 1,030 words

Russia is mine Melissa. :3

"What?" Matt asked, but before he got a reply, Gilbert began dancing on the screen. The flashy German man swung his hips as he turned on the music player sitting on the floor. He dramatically turned, staring at the camera with a sultry gaze.

'_Let's have some fun this beat is sick,_

_I wanna take a ride on your disco stick, _

_Let's have some fun this beat is sick,_

_I wanna take a ride on your disco stick_

_HUH!_

_HUH!'_

Gilbert strutted to the camera, and began to move his arms up and down his sides. He bit his lip as he smirked and swayed his hips seductively. He took his hat and pulled it down with a wink.

'_I wanna kiss you,_

_But if I do then I might miss you babe' _

Gilbert blows a kiss to the camera, and smirks.

'_It's complicated and stupid,_

_Got my ass squeezed by sexy cupid'_

The German spun around quickly and grabbed his bottom roughly before making a surprised gasp come out, before looking at the camera again with his trademark smirk.

'_Guess he wants to play,_

_Wants to play,_

_A love game,_

_A love game_'

Gilbert wrapped his arms around his waist, and closed his eyes, oblivious to the tall, creepy, _Russian_ man who walked silently into the room and closed the door. Ivan smiled wickedly, and wiggled his eyebrows suggestively. Matt's eyes widened, and Alfred began to chuckle.

'_Hold me and love me,_

_Just wanna touch you for a minute,_

_Baby three seconds is in it for my heart to quit it_'

Gilbert, still not noticing Ivan, looked at the camera with a sexy smirk, and held up his hand to signify three. Then, he put both hands dramatically on his chest, and moved them down slowly to the waistband of the short shorts. Ivan licked his lips, obviously eyeing the other man's butt. Matt looked over to his brother, who was in complete shock. Then, he focused back on the TV screen.

'_Let's have some fun_

_This beat is sick,_

_I wanna take a ride on your disco stick_,'

Gilbert closed his eyes and took out a black cane, and began sliding his hands up and down the pole as he swung his hips. Ivan began following the other man's butt as it swayed rhythmically to the music, his evil grin still prominent on his face. In the corner of Matt's eye, however, he saw the door open a crack, but shut in the blink of an eye. '_Weird…But then again, why am I watching this and not surprised?'_ Matt thought with a hint of sarcasm.

'_Don't think too much_

_Just bust that d**k,_

_I wanna take a ride on your disco stick_'

Gilbert tapped his head, and then slipped off the suspenders slowly. He took the black cane and gave it a long, sultry lick. Ivan, still watching this little show, looked back to the door and smiled. Once the oppressive suspenders were off, Gilbert tugged down his shorts, to reveal a thong with the German flag on it. Gilbert pulled the little shorts all the way down, and once they were completely off, Ivan took out his pipe. He raised the pipe dangerously, and when Gilbert turned around, Ivan hit the German man over the head. Gilbert slumped to the ground and all three blondes gasped in shock and horror. '_Oh my god! W-Why?_' Matt thought in disbelief. Ivan was crazy, but, Matt couldn't imagine him doing _that_. Ivan, still smiling, waltzed over to the music player and clicked the booming music off. Suddenly, the door opened, and two hooded figures with long, flowing black cloaks strode in the room. Ivan smirked.

"Добрый вечер, дамы (good evening, my lady)." Ivan greeted, getting on one knee and bowing. The first figure took off her hood, revealing long, curly, blonde hair, which covered her face.

"Good evening Ivan, how are you?" She asked politely as she caressed his face. He smiled and kissed the palm of her hand. She tucked away a piece of her hair to reveal a smile, and small black diamonds painted along the corner of her left eye to her temple. "You did your job well, you did act for the camera, yes?

Ivan nodded into her palm, and kissed gently.

"I see you're still as affectionate as ever, Ivan."

"Maybe I'm just happy to see you, da?" he retorted playfully as he caught her eye, and she chuckled.

"The feelings are mutual, Ivan. But, right now, we have to get to business." She said, turning to the camera. "As you, Francis, and the others in your little group know, your videos make a reasonable profit. I would like to join you. All I ask is that you give me and my associate M364 half of your profits. Or, Gilbert might not see the light of day." She grinned, exposing her ominously white teeth as she held Gilbert's chin, and the camera zoomed in. The girl let out a sharp laugh, and her eyes were an menacing dark blue. She had on black lipstick, dark blue eye shadow, and black mascara, most likely to conceal her identity. She let go of his chin, and the camera zoomed out, and the mystery cameraman rushed over to Gilbert.

"Sweet, he's unconscious!" The other hooded figure laughed as she began to drag Gilbert out the door. Her hood fell, and the second hooded girl had short brown hair, cut right below her chin, and brown eyes. She also had the same makeup on as the blonde, and she had the same black diamonds painted on her face. But, she gave off a more…crazy aura. "Oh my god, this is AWESOME! WWFSMD?... Oh my gosh, I'm totally gonna touch _your_ noodly appendage. HAHAHAAA!" the girl exclaimed, as she dragged poor Gilbert out the door.

"Don't worry, he's in… _good hands_. Heheheh." The blonde said to the camera mockingly, and added with fake enthusiasm, "Well, Tata!" With that, the blonde turned her heel and followed her manic friend.

Ivan then walked to the camera, and before he clicked the power off, he mumbled with a smirk, "_Let the games begin_…"


	6. Chapter 6: Harry Potter?

A/N: I just wanna say thanks to you, the readers and reviewers, for supporting me. You guys totally rock! I'm sorry I waited a week to update the last chapter. I was busy! Also, I made a poll of what pairing I should do next. Please visit it! Pwetty pweeeeaaaaasssseee? And of course, please R&R if you can! If you don't, I understand.

Actually, part of this chapter is based off of my own experiences. XD

I am random. :D

On wit the dizclaimahs, ya'll!

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HETALIA! If I did, Hetalia would be banned in all other countries. And it would be like Junjou Romantica but ten times smuttier. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA~! :3

I DON'T OWN ANY SONGS! THEY BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTED OWNERS! Sadly, I don't own disco-sticks either. :(

I DON'T OWN ANYTHING! Except my hopes and dreams (no you don't…)! Yes I do! (No you don't…) YES I DO! STOP TORTURING ME! Sorry, the voices in my head are hurting me. :D

Anyway, enjoy dear readers! It's 1,016 words. :D

Next chappy is fun. :3

"How did Gilbert get KIDNAPPED? Weren't you in the freaking HOUSE?" Matt shrieked, and Alfred looked at Francis accusingly.

"Dude, I left after this all happened, because I took Arthur home. How did you not see two hooded figures runnin' around and dragging Gilbert out the door?" Alfred asked, looking for an answer from Francis. The Frenchman sighed, and ran a hand through his blonde hair, avoiding the other blonde's gaze.

"Well, _mon petit_ Alfred, I helped get Arthur in the car. That took about an hour. The culprits must have snuck in during that time frame. Gilbert has been missing for twelve days. I had only seen that footage a week ago, after we finished the sixth movie." Francis stated calmly. He sighed again, and added, "I was left an anonymous letter the fifth day he was missing. So, I met with the kidnappers, and they demanded that they take part in the videos, and that we do them at… Universal's Harry Potter World."

Matt looked at his brother in disbelief, and Alfred began to stifle a laugh daring to escape. Matt turned and glared daggers at his boyfriend, before shushing him. Alfred pouted mockingly, before grinning, and said, in a fake British accent, "We're going to be bloody wizards, Mattie! Maybe you can ride on my broomstick! And play with my quiditch balls! Catch the snitch!"

"Shut up or I'll shove a real broom up your ass."

Alfred shut his mouth.

"_Oui_, that sounds… uncomfortable and all, but we need to leave tomorrow and start filming. They said that tomorrow was the best for their group." Francis said, cutting through the awkward tension. He sighed, "I also got tickets for you two, Antonio, Lovino, Arthur, Ludwig and Feliciano, so all we need is to get through the airport. Our flight leaves at eight, so get there two hours early, _non_?"

"Okay, so we leave tomorrow?" Alfred said, and Francis nodded. '_This is the most serious I've ever seen him…_' Matt thought, before the oldest blonde stood up. Francis turned and walked to the door. But, before he turned the door knob to leave, he added, "These people are dangerous. Always remember that."

Matt and Alfred sat in complete silence. Alfred coughed nervously to break the uneasy stillness.

"Matt, I'm sorry I offended you, I know he's your friend. He's mine too, and I really am worried about Gilbert, and the… odd things that little girl is going to do to him." Alfred said with a shudder. Matt smiled gently.

"It's alright. The location is a funny place to film, heheh." Matt replied, taking Alfred's hand in his. Alfred grinned.

"You're letting me off easy?"

"Yeah."

"Sweet~. Come to the Great Cornholio, the bunghole wizard!" Alfred said as he flipped his shirt over his head, puckered his lips and outstretched his arms. Matt grinned, and gently pushed Alfred's face before turning around and running toward Alfred's room.

"Catch me if you can bunghole wizard!" Matt teased, and Alfred jumped up, chasing the younger blonde. Matt squealed and giggled as Alfred exclaimed, "Are you threatening me? I need your teeny bunghole!" Matt turned a corner and leaped for the bed and Alfred pounced his boyfriend, pinning him to the bed. "Teepee for my bunghole?" Alfred asked as he nuzzled Matt, and the smaller blonde giggled.

"No teepee. Sorry." Matt said in between giggles. Alfred grinned, and nuzzled him more, before capturing his lips. Alfred automatically gained dominance of the kiss, and Matt moaned as the wet appendage massaged the inside of his mouth and his own tongue. Matt pulled him closer as Alfred wrapped his arms around his younger lover.

"Al, we have to wake up early for our flight, remember!" Matt panted once they broke the kiss, and Alfred frowned.

"Oh yeah. No sexy time… Not very nice…" Alfred said, switching to his Borat impression. Matt giggled, and Alfred grinned. "Well, time for bed! But, I do want to make the sexy time after this is all over." Alfred purred, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, and a blush rouged Matt's cheeks as he let out a chuckle.

"Maybe…Hehehe!" Matt replied with a mischievous grin. With that, the duo set the alarm clock and settled into bed.

_At the Airport_

"Hurry Al! We need to get to security!" Matt exclaimed as the other blonde trailed behind him. Al had insisted that, despite Matt's protests, he should bring quart sized bags, full of cheeseburgers. He also wore his brown bomber jacket and jeans, in spite of the weather turning from stormy to sunny and hot.

"I'm running, I'm running! This stuff is heavy!" Alfred groaned as he trailed behind his boyfriend. "Besides, I'm not a morning person!"

"Neither am I, neither am I, Al." Matt replied sympathetically as he adjusted his own bag. Finally, after searching the airport for thirty minutes, they finally found the security check. Matt and Al slowed down, and put down their carry-ons. Alfred sighed, and started to laugh. Matt looked at him, and couldn't help the chuckles that were escaping from his lips. Once they got up to ID check, their laughter died down, and they began to put their luggage through security. But, when Al's bag went through the scanner, it beeped. Immediately, Matt's heart sank as the rather obese woman checking the bags yanked it out of the machine. She stopped the flow of bags and held out Alfred's red white and blue backpack.

"Whose is DIS?" The intimidating woman bellowed, glaring at the crowd. Alfred looked at Matt and mouthed the words, "_I'm sorry! I have and illness! I'm in my diseased state!_" Matt looked at him and sighed, holding the bridge of his nose as he tried not to laugh. "You're not that chicken from Dr. Tran!" Matt replied, and Alfred frowned before turning back to the woman.

"Umm, ma'am, that's my bag." Alfred said, raising his hand. The woman scanned the crowd, and her eyes widened a little as she looked Al down. She smirked, and Al's face dropped.

"Boy, c'mere. I might need to search ya, heheh…"


	7. Chapter 7: The Airport

A/N: The fun begins. The fun begins. :D

Btw, take my poll! it'll decide my next story. :)

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HETALIA! This fact is just depressing. :'(

I DON'T OWN ANY SONGS! THEY BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTED OWNERS! It's not ma p-poker face p-p-poker face.

I DON'T OWN NORBIT! How you doin'?

I DON'T OWN ANYTHING! Nothing at all. Except myself.

Lol anyways, let the wild chapter BEGIN!

_At the Airport_

Al hesitantly made his way up to the (let's be honest and not sugar coat this) _fat_ woman holding his beloved bag. The bag was visibly drooping lower, almost in shame, as the woman held it high. She sneered at him as he gingerly grabbed for his bag, but she yanked it out of his reach.

"No, I have check you first, white boy. _Spread ya legs_." She commanded huskily, and Al did as he was told. Matt stared at the sight incredulously. '_What the hell? How is this legal? Isn't she only the baggage check? _' Matt thought, as the woman set down his bag and went on her knees. She began patting his legs from the ankle up, groping poor Alfred between his inner thighs. The woman smirked up at Al, who was staring back down, his face beet red. The woman moved her hands up and began to massage his firm butt. She massaged them like pieces of dough, and anger flared in the pit of Matt's stomach. Alfred gasped in surprise, and his eyes pleaded for the woman to stop. Her evil grin spread wider across her face, and she licked her puffy, fish lips. Her matted hair looked like she hadn't brushed it in days, and she smelled of greasy fried chicken and BO. Bits of dark chicken skin were stuck in her yellow teeth, and visible holes were in her one front tooth. Alfred avoided her gaze, shifting back uncomfortably. She stood back up and handed him the bag with a toothy grin.

"Here's yo bag~! Have a nice trip _honey_! Haha!" She cooed mockingly, and when Alfred took the bag, she gave his butt a swift slap. '_That bitch! She just groped my Al! Wait, she didn't even check the bag! Ugh!_' Matt thought in disgust after the pervy woman groped his boyfriend. When Al went through the metal detector, he rushed through and ran to the farthest seat from the woman. Matt broke out a half smile to Al, and he smiled back sheepishly. Then, Matt glared at the woman, who only replied with a smirk. Once Matt's bags went through the baggage check, and he went through the metal detector, Matt ran to Al.

"Are you okay Al? That filthy woman had her hands all over you!" Matt exclaimed, and Al shuddered.

"It was terrible, Mattie! She had chicken skin in her teeth! And she was feeling me up! That's a good reason for any man to turn gay!" Alfred replied, and added, "Come over here and give me a hug!" Matt grinned and met his boyfriend's embrace. They stood there in comfortable silence, as other fliers rushed past. Once they broke apart, they grabbed their bags and began the walk to their gate. But, as they walked, Matt bumped into a girl, who was rushing past him. She tripped and fell on her face.

"Oh my gosh, are you okay?" Matt asked as he bent down to help the girl up. Her curly blonde ponytail fell forward. Some dust clung to her pink plaid shirt and camisole, and she wiped off the dust of her jeggings. When she looked up, her face automatically broke out into a grin.

"Uncle Mattie!"

"Susie! How are you? Why are you here at the airport?" Matt asked in pleasant disbelief. He pulled her into a hug. When she pulled away, she grinned a toothy grin, and replied, "Didn't Francis tell ya? I'm coming with you guys!"

"Wait, you are?" Alfred asked, his grin growing wider.

"Yea! My friend is too. She's way far behind. And I was rushing to get a cheeseburger. I saw a McDonald's and they start lunch earlier here!" She squealed as she held out two 20 dollar bills, and Alfred exclaimed, "MCDONALD'S! Oh my god we have to go!" But, Matt held his boyfriend back.

"Al, we have to put our bags down with Francis and the others. C'mon." Matt said with a sigh, as he dragged Al away from his niece and began walking to their gate. Matt searched with his eyes for the right gate, until he heard a familiar voice shout, "Hey, over here!" Matt smiled and rushed to meet his brother and the others that were accompanying them on this trip. Francis and Arthur were sitting next to each other, the latter sleeping on his shoulder, snoring slightly. Lovino was scolding Antonio, who only nodded happily and nibbled on his churros. The younger Vargas twin was snuggled up against his boyfriend Ludwig, and sighed in content. Ludwig's lips twitched into a half smile as he patted the brunettes head. Matt put his bags by his feet, and sat down.

"It took you long enough, _non_?" Francis asked with a smirk, and Alfred shot daggers at the older man.

"At least you didn't get molested by Raspusha! _How you doin'_?" Al hissed, switching to his sassy Raspusha impression, and Matt couldn't help but stifle a giggle. Francis' smirk spread and his eyes widened.

"_Oui_, Raspusha! The lovely lady from Norbit? That must have been a _pleasurable_ experience for you." Francis replied smugly, and added, "Although, I think _you_ would enjoy that more if it was _mon petit Matthieu_… _Oui_?" Al blushed and avoided the man's gaze, but didn't say a word. Matt couldn't help but chuckle. Al was just too cute sometimes.

"Yea, I would you pervy old man…" Alfred grumbled, and Francis chuckled.

"So would I, so would I, _mon petit_ Alfred."

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, PERVERT?"

"I was kidding Alfred, don't beat me up!"

"Would you shut up you bloody wankers! You're all so loud! Especially you ya bloody wanker." Arthur growled, pointing at Alfred, and everyone fell silent. Except for Francis, who just smirked and replied, "Oh, good morning sleeping beauty! How was your nap?"

"Terrible. Especially because I had to sleep on your bloody shoulder." Arthur groaned, and Francis grinned. He kissed the tip of Arthur's nose, and the Briton was too tired to protest. He snuggled closer to the Frenchman, before looking around, and closing his eyes again. Francis smiled, before pressing his lips gently to his lover's temple. Matt smiled gently at the loving scene. '_They do love each other…_' Matt thought, and he looked to Al with a sweet grin. Al blushed, but returned the smile. Matt snuggled into Al, and Al wrapped his arm around his boyfriend's slender frame. Matt looked up to Al, eyes filled with so much love, and moved so that their lips barely ghosted over each other's, before sealing them in a chaste-

"RUN MELISSA! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! WE MUST SAVE THE FOOTAGE! The FOOTAGE~~~!"

"I'M RUNNING AS FAST AS I CAN SUSIE! WE MUST SAVE THE FOOTAGE! The FOOTAGE~~~!"

"'et b'ck 'ere, N'W!"


	8. Chapter 8: The Footage

A/N: Lol the only time to write is on the weekends. Please R&R! And check out my other stories and poll on my profile :D

Pasta Moonmins tomato cheese. :D

…

Lucy and the Sky with Diamonds. Lucy and the Sky with Diamonds. True dat. B)

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HETALIA! If I did, Spain would be yandere and totally be pervy with Romano. And Russia would be my slave. Of love~~. Oh _yeaya_. :3

I DON'T OWN ANY SONGS! THEY BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTED OWNERS! I do not own the metal. :(

I DON'T OWN ASSASSIN'S CREED!

I DON'T OWN BATMAN!

I DON'T OWN ANYTHING! Except Ivan's disco stick. Lolz I bought it on eBay in mint condition! CX

1,231 words in this chappy.

"Susie, what the hell did you do?" Francis asked in disbelief as the two girls leaped and latched onto the blonde's uncle. They held on tighter, and replied, "We must save the footage! The FOOTAGE!"

"_Mon cher_, what footage?" Francis started, and Melissa squealed as her friend smirked. She flipped open her camcorder, and began replaying 'the footage'. It started with the large, angry man, and a smaller man, with blonde hair and gentle face. He was kissing his lover's neck, and running his hands up the slender torso. Susie and Melissa giggled quietly as they zoomed in. They appeared to be in a secluded corner, where only the duo could possibly find them. Susie got her pervy-ness from Francis. The larger man slipped a hand down the smaller man's pants, and he groaned and moaned wantonly. The smaller man's face was flushed red, and his eyes were glazed over with lust. But, Melissa squealed too loudly, and both men's faces turned to the duo of squealing girls.

"Wh't t'e h'll?" The larger man growled in surprise, and both girls squeaked.

"Umm, research?" Susie replied cutely, and the man sent a menacing glare toward them. He took his hand out of his lover's trousers, and the younger looking man held onto his lover's arm, and said in a worried tone, "Berwald, they're only misguided little girls! Don't hurt them!"

"I'm n't g'nna h'rt th'm. I j'st n'd t'e c'mr'." The larger man, now known as Berwald replied, as he began to stride toward the camera. Susie immediately turned around, and both girls sprinted away from the intimidating man.

"Run Melissa, run!"

"I'm running as fast as I can!"

"G'T B'CK H'RE!" Berwald bellowed in his thick Swedish accent.

"No! You can kiss my ass!" Melissa replied, laughing hysterically.

"Hell yea! Better yet, kiss my ass after a gordida crunch!" Susie added, laughing too.

Susie and Melissa swiftly turned a corner, and began blending into the crowd of people rushing past. Both girls were giggling and laughing as they went, and Susie said, "Oh my god, I feel like Altair from Assassin's Creed! Blending into the crowds of people to escape capture!"

"Susie, you're a nerd."

"I know, I know. Don't crush my dreams, yo." Susie replied, and once they made in through the crowd, Susie and Melissa hid behind a wall separating two stores. Susie positioned the camera to Melissa, who was slightly out of breath. "So, Sister Melissa, how was your first intelligence mission?"

"Susie, I mean it. Quit it with the Assassin's Creed stuff, we're not assassins!" Melissa hissed, and her blonde friend let out a whine.

"Oh, you're no fun, you know that?"

"Whatever."

"привет(hello) Susie!"

Alfred and Matt, who was looking over Francis' shoulder, gasped in surprise.

"Oh, hello! How are you?" She replied nervously, and Ivan only smiled. '_Oh my god, he's in the airport?_' Matt thought, and Ivan's aura on the camera almost illuminated from the small screen. His polite smile only amplified it.

"I am good,how are you?" Ivan replied huskily, smirking at the little blonde. She shifted the camera slightly toward her friend, and Melissa stared at the camera in fear, then back to Ivan.

"I'm… Good. Heheheh." Susie replied sheepishly, and Ivan unconsciously licked his lips. Susie squeaked in surprise at the innuendo Ivan was sending her, and the man only laughed.

"Well, I am in bit of a rush, so goodbye _Susie_ and company." Ivan purred huskily, and both girls nervously stuttered goodbyes, afraid of angering the man. Once he was gone, both girls sighed in relief.

"That's enough for the camera for today."

"I agree." Melissa replied. Then, the camcorder shut off with a click. Francis stared at his niece in disbelief.

"You got some good footage."

"I learned from the best!" She replied in a sing-song voice, and Berwald coughed, bringing everyone's attention to him.

"J'st d'l'te the f't'ge, ok?" Berwald groaned, and Susie nodded.

"Okay, I promise. I'm sorry I disturbed you and your boyfriend." She replied sincerely, and clicked specific buttons, and the camcorder beeped. She grinned.

"All gone, ."

"Th'nk y'u." He replied, before turning to leave. Once he was gone, Susie and Melissa snickered in unison.

"He didn't know-"

"-we had footage from before." Susie and Melissa said, finishing each other's sentences in a rather creepy fashion. Then, the duo both laughed. The whole group just stared.

"_Gate 12 is now boarding!"_ With that, the group went into the line to get onto the plane.

_On the Airplane_

"Dunununununununun BATMAN!"

"Dunununununununun BATMAN!"

"Dunununununununun _BATMAN_~~!"

"Alfred, shut up you bloody wanker!" Arthur growled, and Alfred laughed.

"Didildildildidildildil!" Alfred replied, and Susie burst out laughing.

"_Nothing can destroy the metal~! _

_ The metal will strike you down with a vicious blow._

_ We are the vanquished foes of the metal~_!" They sang, and Arthur sighed, rubbing his temples in irritation. Francis laughed at his distressed lover, and Matt looked out the window. Arthur insisted that Francis sit with him, so Alfred volunteered to sit with Susie and her friend. They had been singing theme songs and yelling random things for two hours, and the flight was almost over. A large blonde flight attendant with a blue scarf tied around her neck and excessive makeup walked down the aisle, and bent down near Alfred's seat to pick up an imaginary pen. When she came back up, she winked at Al, who only looked at her in confusion. Her arms were extremely hairy, and her stocking poorly camouflaged coarse, black leg hair. He tapped Susie's shoulder.

'Susie, do you think that woman likes me?"

Susie only chuckled, and replied, "Don't go in the bathroom or he'll butt rape you"

"What, she's not a woman?" Alfred asked incredulously, like it was the most surprising thing in the world.

"Al, transvestites cover their throats to hide their huge Adam's apples. They wear excessive makeup to seem more feminine to males or females, depending on their sexual preference. They wear wigs so they don't have to grow out their hair. Stockings are also an alternative for shaving." Susie replied matter-of-factly, and Alfred nodded.

"Would the young man in seat 20A please come up to the front, please?" The large flight attendant asked, and Al gulped. He stood up, and walked up to the front. The flight attendant licked his puffy, lipstick covered lips as he looked down Al. The poor blonde boy made the mistake of taking off his jacket, revealing his perfectly toned biceps and triceps to wandering eyes.

"Hello big boy~. You've been naughty." The man purred quietly as he yanked Al behind the curtain. Alfred squeaked as the man pulled at Al's shirt, and he quickly ripped the flight attendants hands away.

"Asshole, I don't like transvestites!"

"Oh, are you sure about that?"

"Yea!"

"I can be as fun as any girl, you know." The transvestite purred, tugging at the waistband of Al's jeans. Alfred felt pure fury as he pushed the perverted man into the cabinets, and smirked victoriously as they man rubbed his head in pain.

"If you even dare say that I pushed you, I'll tell everyone the truth behind it." Al growled, and the flight attendant nodded, adjusting his wig.

"Okay, I won't."

"Oh, and by the way, I am in a relationship with my boyfriend Matt." Alfred said proudly, and added, "And I love him."


	9. Chapter 9: The Limo

A/N:

Not many people have been reviewin' lately. Oh well, I'm still gonna post anyway. But no reviews drove me to extremes. _Extremes_.

Anyway, Some good Gilby time in dis one… Kukukuku…

I 3 Gilby…

I'm just like Ivan with my sadistic ways…

**WARNING! THIS IS GRAPHIC! **Very very VERY graphic. O.o

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HETALIA!

I DON'T OWN ANY SONGS! THEY BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTED OWNERS!

I DON'T OWN ANYTHING!

Anyway, bon appétit! Don't throw up. O.o

1,294 words.

_At the Orlando Airport _

"We're here!" Matt exclaimed as they walked through the busy airport. Everyone was worried about Gilbert, but Matt still tried to be positive. Matt and the others explained to Melissa and Susie the true reason why they came to Florida after they got off the plane, and Susie was extremely _pissed_. Gilbert and Susie were best friends. As the group walked through the labyrinth of people and walkways, they finally made it to the drop off and pick up station. Much to their chagrin, a limo was waiting for them, including a smug looking Russian.

"Hello, and welcome to Florida." Ivan said, opening the door to the limo. The group froze, unsure of what to do. Except Susie, who walked forward, and replied with venom in her tone, "Hello Ivan" before stepping into the limo. Melissa reluctantly followed behind, and the rest of the group followed. Once everyone was in, Ivan looked at Susie with a smile that had an air of melancholy and regret. She glared back, her eyes never leaving his.

"It's nice to see you again." Ivan said softly, and her eyes narrowed.

"Go to hell."

With a distressed look painted onto his face, Ivan closed the door and walked into the shotgun seat of the limo. The limo began to move, and suddenly, a screen flashed, and on it appeared the mysterious blonde, in her regular attire. She smirked, revealing her pearly white teeth.

"Hello, my dear guests. Welcome to Florida." She said, her tone sickly sweet. Her eyes gleamed wickedly, and Matt wrapped his arm around Al's and huddled into him. Because honestly, she was _scary_.

"I guess you are wondering how your precious Gilbert is doing." She said, and with a light laugh, added, "I assure you, he is fine."

Everyone in the group sighed in relief, until the screen switched to Gilbert, gasping for breath, his face fully flushed. His body was copiously exposed, and his perfect bum was red with welts. Over him was the evil girl's partner in crime. Her brown hair bounced as she laughed with black whip in hand. She raised it, and the whip made loud contact as it hit his abused skin. He let out a strangled moan, and she laughed harder.

"Sing the song!" The brunette commanded in a singsong voice.

"Ngh, n-n-no!"

"Sing it DAMNITT!" The girl commanded again, in a menacing tone. The look in her eyes only amplified her emotions.

"F-Fine, okay!" Gilbert said, clearing his throat.

"_I'm a l-little teapot short and stout,_

_Here is my handle, _

_Here is my s-spout,_

_When I g-get all steamed up here me SHOUT!"_ Gilbert sang, punctuating the last word with a strangled moan as the brunette let the whip caress his skin with a hard slap.

"Keep singin' _bitch_." She snickered, and a tear rolled down his cheek.

"_Tip me over and pour me out_." He ended, tears flowing freely. The girl smiled, and came out with a donkey, icy hot, and a cock ring.

"N-no, not the Mr. Huffaluff! I sang for you! I SANG FOR YOU!"

"Well, Mr. Huffaluff is very _happy_ today. And he wants you, Gilbert." The brunette replied, and the donkey neighed in a rather… _happy_ way. She added, "I do _too_." Gilbert began to sob, and the sadistic girl slapped him, with a crazy grin. He immediately quieted himself. The brunette smiled at the camera, and threw her head back and laughed evilly. The camera zoomed in and out for visual affect. She looked at the camera; a manic glint flickered violently in her eyes.

"Tata everyone!" She said, and blew a kiss to the camera, and added, "Gilby and I are gonna have some _fun_! Hehehe!" The camera then went back to the ominous blonde, who was smirking at the camera.

"Did I mention I'm a pathological liar? I guess I did forget. How dreadful of me, I should have." She said mockingly, before laughing herself. The blonde added, "As long as you hold your end of the bargain, we'll make sure he comes home… in one piece. But then again, you can't really trust me, can you?" The camera clicked off. Matt felt tears rolling down his cheeks, and Alfred consoled him. Francis and Arthur stared at the now blank screen in shock. Lovino was crying into Antonio's shirt, and Feliciano was doing the same with his own boyfriend. Susie and Melissa had their mouths completely agape, as to try and comprehend what just happened.

"What… The hell? Ivan, open up the fucking window! NOW!" Susie shrieked, but she had no reply. After a couple of seconds of waiting, she punched the glass separating the passengers from the driver. She violently grabbed through the glass trying to get to Ivan, and the limo swerved several times.

"You son of a bitch! Get your fat vodka ass back here!" She yelled, and Ivan replied, "Owww! Let go of my hair! Stop hitting my head into the wall!" Ivan yelled, fighting Susie right back, but to no avail. A _thump_, _thump_, _thump_ could be heard as his head made contact with the window.

"I'm gonna kill you and feed you to the next door neighbors evil cat!" Susie threatened, still banging Ivan's head into the wall. No one in the back could say anything, because they had never seen anyone fight Ivan like that. At least, they never saw that and have Ivan lose.

"Stop! Stop!"

"When pigs fly Braginski!" Susie replied, as Francis pulled her back into her seat. He held her down as he stroked her hair in an attempt to calm her down. Once she had cooled off somewhat, Francis sighed.

"_Vous êtes comme votre mère_ (1)." Francis sighed.

"_Tais-toi ma mère est génial fag_ (2)." Susie grumbled, and the group sat in silence for the rest of the car ride. The limo stopped in front of a large hotel, and the trunk popped open, and the group got their things. When Ivan got out of the car, he had several cuts, covered by bloody bandages, on his forehead and face. Susie smirked triumphantly into the hotel. The group waited for the driver, who was verifying their rooms, before motioning them to follow him. They crammed into a glass elevator, and waited uncomfortably as they went up. Ivan also chose to stand next to Susie, which infuriated the blonde, and she began to punch him in the gut the whole elevator ride. Once they got to their floor, they all rushed to find their rooms. Alfred found theirs first and eagerly opened the door.

"Mattie, here's our room!" Alfred exclaimed, opening the door with the electronic key. They gasped in surprise at the massive suite before them. A large, king sized bed awaited them, followed by a beautiful marble kitchenette and fridge. Matt and Al set down their bags and looked around, and Al opened the fridge, to reveal an abundant amount of food.

"FOOD!" Alfred exclaimed, and Matt sighed as he smiled at his boyfriend's delight. He looked through the food enthusiastically, but stopped. He gingerly took out whipped cream, chocolate sauce, and cherries. His teeth gleamed wickedly as he smirked.

"I am Cornholio. Want food sex in your bunghole?" Alfred purred, pulling his shirt over his head. Matt blushed, but gave a small smile.

"Al, that video really bothered me."

"Won't sex take your mind off of it? Cornholio needs sex in your _bunghole_!"

"AL!" Matt squealed as Al pounced on his cute lover. He nuzzled Matt neck, placing sloppy kisses on his neck. His hands travelled lower, palming Matt's steadily growing arousal. Matt mewled in pleasure as his boyfriend touched him. Al licked the shell of his small lover and whispered huskily, "There's gonna be a party in your bunghole, and I'm invited." Suddenly, a sharp knock interrupted their little make out session.

"HOUSEKEEPING!"

Translations!

You are like your mother

Shut up my mom is awesome fag


	10. Chapter 10: Housekeeping and Hogwarts?

A/N: OMG! I'm so sorry! My birthday was on the 14th, and I was celebrating. Party-time!

Also, I have a YouTube account, but I'm only commenting on it. XD

Melissa, Russia is mine. MINE. I know you're in denial, its okay. It's part of the coping process. XD

Does anyone even read author's notes? I always skip them when I read. O.o

Anyway, disclaimers!

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HETALIA!

I DON'T OWN ANY SONGS! THEY BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTED OWNERS!

I DON'T OWN ANYTHING! 1,191 words, btw. :)

Matt and Al stayed perfectly still as an awkward silence filled the room. The loud banging against the door started again, following by a shrill, obnoxious "HOUSEKEEPING! HOUSEKEEPING YOU WANT TOWEL? DILDO? PLEASE? HOUSEKEEPING PLEASE OPEN THE DOOR!" Matt gently pushed Al off of himself, and made his way to the door. He squinted into the peephole, and instead of a housekeeper, he was greeted by a frantic, hyper blonde. He immediately opened the door, and Susie rushed in, locking every lock on the suite door. Once she gained her breathe, she sighed, and sat against the door.

"Thank you, Uncle Mattie!" Susie exclaimed, and Matt only sighed. Al looked at the two of him, as confusion riddled his face. Susie looked tired and disheveled, but she also looked triumphant and proud. Her pony tail had long strands sticking out in places, but she didn't try to fix them. After a moment of silence, a loud banging filled the room once again.

"SUSIE! OPEN _LA PORTA_ RIGHT NOW OR THERE'S GONNA BE A SHIT STORM COMING YOUR WAY!" An irate voice thundered, and Matt immediately knew who it was. But, the anger in the first voice's tone was downplayed by light laugher.

"C'mon, Lovi, _mi amor_, she's a girl, of course she's curious!"

"That doesn't give her the right to put cameras in our rooms! Especially when she knew we were gonna- ya know- _do stuff_! We were in the tub and everything!"

"I know, I know Lovi. But all the cameras are gone, right?" Antonio, the second voice, reasoned. Lovi sniffled, and replied dramatically, "But, it was a private moment! And, and, I wanted it to be, special! I don't know Antonio!" Muffled sobs and gentle coos could be heard, and Susie chuckled. Matt glared at her disapprovingly, and Al began to chuckle as well. Matt shook his head, and waited for the couple to leave. Once Matt could hear Lovino and Antonio's footsteps move away from the suite, Matt glared at the two blondes on the floor.

"Susie, what the hell did you do? And Al, get off the floor!" Matt commanded, and surprisingly enough, he did. Susie just sat and smiled, and batted her eye lashes.

"Susie."

"Yes, Uncle Mattie?"

"Did you put cameras in Antonio and Lovino's suite?"

"…Define suite."

"Well, you of all people should know, you're the definition _queen_."

"… Touché, my young uncle, but answer me this: Who is a modest man with two holes?"

"I don't know, who?"

"Lovino. That's who. God he's nasty! And I was lying; he ain't modest! HAHA!" Susie laughed, and Alfred burst into laughter as well. The two of them laughed for what seemed to be a couple of minutes, before they stopped. Matt was obviously displeased.

"You people…" Matt huffed, rubbing his temples.

"Okay, Auntie May. HAHAHA!" Susie yelled, setting the two boisterous blondes back into a fit of laughter. After settling down, Susie sighed.

"Actually, I came in here to tell you that we need to leave to go to the set of the video. Arthur is already drunk. We leave in thirty minutes." Susie said, dusting off her pants. "Goodbye!" With that, Susie swiftly opened the door, and skipped out into the hallway.

"…Matt, you know I'm still horny. We could-"

"No."

"COCKBLOCK BIATCH!" Melissa screamed, before laughing manically and running to catch up with Susie. Following Melissa was Hotel Security. The couple just stared at each other in silence, before getting ready for the film.

_In the Limo_

"I'm so horny Draco! Let me wank you off~~*burp*! God, I want your Slytherin in my a*hiccup*ssssssss!" Arthur moaned, palming Francis' growing bulge.

"No, you must wait until we get to Hogwarts!"

"We don't think you should wait!" Melissa and Susie said in unison. They both giggled, and Arthur grinned and licked his lips sloppily, before rubbing Francis' "family jewels" more roughly.

"We have the camera-"

"And _everything_~!" Melissa ended, holding up the camera with an evil grin.

"One of us! One of us! Hehehe~!" They exclaimed, and the rest of the group just stared. When the group got into the car, they were all assigned roles. Arthur would be Harry Potter, Francis would be Draco Malfoy, Alfred would be Ron, Matt would be Herminie, Ludwig would be Snape, Feliciano would be Neville Longbottom, Ivan would be Viktor Krum, Melissa would be Luna Lovegood, and Susie would be Professor McGonagall. Lovino didn't want a specific part, and Antonio just couldn't act.

"Luna, now, now, we must make sure Harry does not get into trouble!" Susie or 'McGonagall' chirped. Melissa or 'Luna' giggled. The two of them giggled, until the limo made its way to the theme park. Susie and Melissa jumped out of the limo, and raced to the ticket booth. Ivan trailed the two girls, and called out, "Susie, Melissa, we have special permission to be here! Have you noticed no one is here?" Susie looked about, her hair whipping around. She pouted.

"Well, I didn't know! Excuse _me_." Susie retorted, and moved through the gates confidently. The sun was just dipping over the horizon, and night was approaching. Nonetheless, Susie headed on, with Melissa trailing only a couple of steps behind. The group struggled to keep up, but the two girls made an abrupt halt. Standing before them were two figures, with silver masks and long, flowing black cloaks. One figure was tall, with broad shoulders. The other figure was smaller in stature, and almost had the appearance of a woman.

"You both must come with us." The smaller one commanded.

"What if we don't, fag?" Susie replied, and they both smirked. The figures said nothing, and stood there. Susie tilted her head. "Ya know, you guys seem like you're both butt buddies, you know that right? You're standing so close to each oth- hey, put me down!" Both girls shrieked as the large man picked both of them up with ease. Then, the man swiftly turned, and began to walk away.

"Stop! Let go of her NOW! This was not part of the plan; she is not to be hurt!" Ivan shouted, pushing past the others to get to the two kidnappers. The two figures looked at each other, before making a mad dash in the opposite direction. Ivan trailed right behind, trying to catch them.

"Ivan, HELP! Please!" Susie pleaded, reaching out to him, but to no avail. Ivan devoutly sprinted to try and save her. Tears of anger, guilt, and frustration brimmed in her eyes. Susie tried to punch her kidnapper, but the figure simply pinned her arms down, so all she could was helplessly wail. The other group members tried to keep up, but eventually, the only one chasing after the mysterious two was Ivan, who still kept his strong stride. Once the mysterious duo turned the corner, including Ivan, a huge puff of smoke enveloped the rest of the group, and suddenly, one by one, the group was pulled away by unseen hands, until Matt and Al were separated. Matt inhaled an odd substance, and he suddenly felt woozy. After swaying for a couple seconds, the world went black.

A/N: This took a dark, _dark_ turn. And it will get darker. But all will be revealed, there's a reason. :)


	11. Chapter 11: The Dungeon and Smush Smush?

A/N: Lol, it took me too long. It's probably the biggest shit you will ever read. Btw, Happy Halloween! I'm Snooki from the Jersey Shore, cuz my mom didn't want to buy me America Cosplay… :(

I 3 Shigure… This chappy is for all of you Fruits Basket fans… Or just Shigure. Cuz he's a sexy smex-meister. Lmao! xD

This fic is getting darker and darker, but please just bear with it. And review if you likes it. :)

DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN HETALIA! That includes Russia's sexy body…Dammit to hell! :(

Himaruya is damn lucky… Having that nice piece of ass… XD

I DON'T OWN ANY SONGS! THEY BELONG TO THEIR RESPECTED OWNERS!

I DON'T OWN ANYTHING! No, I don't own anything. Except the PHANTOM OF THE OPERA! Lol no I don't, please don't sue me! 1,164 words in this, btw. :)

'_Mattie! Mattie!_' Matt could hear a familiar voice, calling his name frantically. He slowly and reluctantly awoke from unconsciousness. His eyes fluttered open, and his lips tugged into a lazily grin.

"Hey Al…"

"MATTIE!" Alfred cried, embracing Matt in a bone-crushing hug. Matt tried to sliver out of his boyfriend iron grip, but failed. "OH MY GOD I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!" Al shrieked, squeezing him impossibly closer. Al yanked him into his lap, and nuzzled him affectionately. Matt sighed in content, thankful for his boyfriend's warmth. Matt gazed around, and noticed that they were in a compact, stark prison cell. The barred door only added to the cliché cell. Matt groaned, feeling a pain in his side. He was finally able to rip Al off of himself to see where the pain was coming from. He lifted his shirt, revealing a nasty bruise. It started from his hip, all the way to his mid- waist. The bruise was a murky shade of purple, with hints of dark blue and black. Al stared at the bruise in shock, but his face contorted into pure rage.

"That's it." Al said, his tone dangerously low. Matt pulled his shirt down, covering the wound.

"What?" Matt replied, and Al's fists clenched tightly, his knuckles stained white.

"They hurt you, and I'm not going to let them get away with it."

"Al, you know I bruise really easily, and besides I fell on my own." Matt retorted, but added, "Although, they didn't have to freaking use sleeping gas on us."

The tension between the couple was thick with emotions; fear, anger, guilt, and uncertainty. They sat in relative silence, before an echo of footsteps reached their ears.

_Clog_

_Clog _

_Clog_

Both men stayed frigid in their seats, waiting for the footsteps to pass. But, the frenzied footsteps quickened in pace, before a blur of long, black hair and a red silk kimono flashed before their eyes.

"GET AWAY FROM ME ARU!" The poor man shrieked in horror. His clog caught on a rock on the uneven ground, and he unceremoniously dropped to the ground. He shielded himself with his slender hands, but to no avail. The man above him smirked, before licking his lips and letting out a deliberate, sultry moan. The cowering man revealed smeared makeup, tousled hair, and bold red eye shadow.

"YONG SOO WANT SMUSH SMUSH!" The man, known as Yong Soo, gasped, before turning to the cell and hissing. His ears were pointed, and his fangs gleamed wickedly in the dim lighting. He donned crimson lipstick, blue eye shadow, and long, seductive eyelashes. Yong Soo's hair was put into two bouncy little pigtails, and his curl stood defiantly against the other pieces of hair. His outfit consisted of a pink, lacy tank top, black leather miniskirt, fishnet leggings, and knee high black boots. His brown eyes revealed pure insanity, and lust, and Yong Soo only laughed at the two blondes.

"SMUSH SMUSH!" He cried, before jumped onto the cell's bars, and thrusting into them. Moans and groans escaped his plump, parted lips. He mewled when the blondes pulled each other closer. "Smush smush! Smush smush!" He whimpered, a growing arousal forming in his pants. The man Yong Soo was chasing, however, was able to get away. On the other hand, Yong Soo kept his gaze upon the two frightened blondes, huddling together.

"YONG SOO WANT SMUSH SM-!" But before Yong Soo could finish, his body went limp, and he went spiraling down onto the cold dirt floor. The man above him, baton in hand, smiled at Alfred and Matt. His dark hair was plastered against his face, and his face was rouged a light pink from running, his guard uniform clinging to his body. After catching his breath

"Sorry about that. He got out of his cage. Usually he's horny, and he thinks he owns the man who was running away from him. His name is Yao." The guard chirped. The man added, "I bet he gave you quite a show, right?" Matt and Al exchanged weary glances, before replying, "He sure did." The response only broadened his grin, and he scooped up the unconscious freak.

"By the way, after this, I'm visiting the high school cute little Tohru, Kyo, and Yuki are going to for a concert! High school girls, high school girls, 1, 2, 3 high school girls! Hahaha! By the way, here's my book, you two~!" He rambled, before slipping the book through the bars and winking. "Bye bye~!" He exclaimed with glee, before dragging the comatose Asian down the hall. Once he was safe distance, he began to sing "Don't Cha" by the Pussycat Dolls, and cackled with delight. Matt and Al stared at the book in disbelief.

"Is…Is this porn?"

"It's called _Summer-Colored Sigh_… It looks like porn." Alfred replied, and he began to chuckle. Matt started to giggle too, and before they knew it, they were snorted and laughed loudly. But, their short lived fun was ruined by light, gentle laughter. Both froze, halting their fit abruptly. The laughter's crescendo slowly increased with each intense moment. However, the laugh contorted into a twisted, ill laugh.

"Well, Ivan, I guess we need to get the two _lovebirds_." A menacing voice purred, and a deep, manly sigh followed.

"Yes, my lady." Ivan replied, before he trudged to the couple's cell. He glared at them both, before letting them out. "You better do well. They took Susie too. That bitch keeping me hostage is gonna kill Susie if you don't, and if she does, I will never let you live to see her funeral." Ivan hissed below his breath, so they could barely hear. Both visually paled as they stepped out of the cell. '_Does that mean he really… loves Susie?_' Matt thought in disbelief, as he and Al followed the burly Russian man. The mysterious blonde and her manic brunette friend waited for the duo.

"Greetings. I apologize for the room arrangements. They were to make sure that you stayed in, and certain things stay _out_." The blonde said in a condescending tone, with venom tipped in every syllable. Matt honestly doubted that she genuinely cared about their safety. The girl next to her only smiled her creepy smile, and Ivan scowled. In the dim lighting, the blonde mastermind wore a large, wrinkled witch's hat, and a dark, shimmering cloak. Her brunette friend wore an outrageous pink dress, with white frill, and Christmas tree-esque layers. She wore large, hook earrings, with shiny cabbages on the ends (A/N: CABBAGE! Sorry Melissa I had to do it. xD).

"C'mon, we're gonna be late, you nut burgers! Teeheehee~!" The brunette squealed with delight, but growled, "And if you don't, I'll chop off your dicks and feed them to you. La de da!" The brunette turned her heel, and skipped merrily down the corridor. Matt and Al both had their mouths agape, but the blonde smiled.

"Well, it's time for the show to _begin_."


	12. Chapter 12: The Escape

A/N: OMG HABLUBLUB I AM BACK! Hi everyone, Suji here. Sorry I haven't updated this since forever. Things have been rough in the world of Suji, and I will leave it at that. I just wanna give a _**huge**_ shout out to **PinayCoconut**. She (or he, I'm just assuming the author's a she) is an amazing writer with so much talent. Seriously! Look her up on your web server! Right now she's doing a story called _End of Days_, which is in Alfie's point of view, and it's a journal style set during the apocalypse and after it (I think. So far it's been some good flash backs to set the mood). **PLEASE READ IT! **(Sorry it took _so_ long xD) **NAAWW!**

Check out my other stuffles if you want. R&R! :)

And again, **PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE **_**PLEASE**_ CHECK OUT **PINAYCOCONUT**!

You guys know the disclaimers already, right?

Grudgingly, Matt followed the manic brunette down the hall. She just skipped as she hummed, her frilly monster of a dress bouncing up and down. He didn't make a move to escape because she proved earlier that she was a master of kung fu and pressure points. She also had a gigantic paddle, and he honestly didn't want to know why. Rubbing his arm, he winced at the memory of her kung fu moves. Alfred and Matt were separated, due to the fact that Al would be able to get them both out. Matt sighed sadly, thinking of how he was of no help to his friend- turned-lover. He always knew he was a wimp, but his wimpy-ness really reared its ugly head now. Now because of it, he was wearing a brown wig and a 17th century amethyst ball gown. '_I have the best luck, don't I?_' He mused pessimistically, adjusting his dress.

"Silly-willy boy, we're here!" The brunette giggled, as she swiftly kicked the door before them. Matt cringed as the unfortunate door groaned open, to reveal a huddled form, shaking uncontrollably.

"W-What? O-oh, _Mein Gott_, _Nein_! _Nein_!" The silhouette shrieked, and the brunette cackled as she dragged him out of the cave-like room. His silver hair, illuminated in the torchlight of the hallways, masked his face.

"Paddle time, hehehe! Get over here, cutie!" The brunette squealed, and flipped him on his hands and knees. "Time for your spanking~! You've been a very very bad boy~!"

"_Nein_, no spanky-time! _Nein_!" Gilbert shouted, groaning every time the paddle connected with his bottom. Gilbert's eyes, pools of sorrow and defeat, stared up at Matthew. Matthew's own violet orbs prickled with tears at the display. Gilbert mouthed the word 'Run' while the brunette was preoccupied with smacking Gilbert's butt. Pivoting his heel, Matt sprinted in the opposite direction.

"Get back here~! Or I'll kick your ass and feed you to the hounds~! Hahaha!" The brunette hollered after Matt, but he already gained substantial distance from her. '_Thank goodness for track and field!_' Matthew internally praised, as he jerked to turn down an unlit corridor. Feet grasping the sodden ground for purchase, Matt continued on, for the hope of finding Alfred and the others. A sliver of golden light filtered through the heavy door at the end, and Matthew sped toward it. '_Don't worry Alfie, I'll find you no matter what!_'

"Vell vell vell! You need to like, change honey~! The number starts in 5!" A boisterous, bubbly blonde exclaimed. Flamboyance teetering on insanity, the striking blonde dragged Matthew, ripped off his dress, and caught him in a racy corset. The red corset with matching undies covered almost nothing in the front, but the obnoxious red tipped black plumes in the back covered his bottom. Matt blushed as people rushed and crooned as they applied heavy makeup, ripped off the wig, and adorned his hair with clips and feathers. Once he was complete, the head blonde shouted, "C'MON BOYS! KNOCK 'EM DEAD!"

_In the Ballroom_,

Impatiently waiting in his chair, Alfred groaned. He was currently being held up by the two masked men that kidnapped them all in the corner of the room. Ivan was nowhere to be found, but he honestly didn't care. There were so many people; he was probably just hiding among them. Still groggy from whatever they gave him, he surveyed his surroundings. The overly gaudy chandelier sparkled across the floor, and illuminated the room. The theme was the Industrial Revolution-Era France, and all the _ladies_ wore ball gowns, while the _lords _wore tuxedos. He personally thought they all looked like a bunch of stuck up rich people. However, the stage was the centerpiece of the room. Mahogany framed the blue satin curtains, and spot lights were positioned accordingly. Alfred was truly confused. '_I thought this was Harry Potter theme! What the f-_'

"Ladies and gentlemen. If you please." The blonde mastermind began. All the conversations softened, and gave her their attention. "I do hope you forgive us for changing the theme that we are having tonight." She chuckled a bit, before meeting Alfred's eyes despite the low lighting. "But I assure you, it will be most… _interesting_. So sit back, relax, and enjoy."

The curtains were drawn, and the set was revealed. The spot lights glided toward the set, and the stage was shrouded in darkness. The two masked men slipped into the shadows and moved toward the stage, leaving Alfred to his own devices. All of a sudden, the lights focused on one person. Shimmering azure feathers concealed the bulky silhouette, as other arrays of flamboyant feathers drenched the stage in color. The stage was set, the audience in awe, and Alfred asked himself how the fuck he got here and what he did to deserve this kind of torture.

Pivoting to the audience, Ivan, the azure centerpiece, bellowed,

"_WHERE'S ALL MAH SOUL SISTAS?_

_ LEMME HEAR YA FLOW SISTAS!"_

The colorful chorus chimed in with a spirited, "_Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista_" as they strutted around the stage. Alfred's mouth was completely agape. All those men up there were dressed up as women… But the shocking part was that their whole Gilbert-Search-Party was showing off their stuff up there. Arthur was in an emerald corset, with a shimmering green headband and eye shadow. Alfred would have shielded his eyes to the horror before him, but his hands were stuck. Ivan was the gaudiest, with dark blue eye shadow and stripper heels. The bulky man barely fit in the small piece of lingerie, and looked like he was thoroughly despising himself right now. Francis and the others were matched appropriately based on their eye color and actually looked rather... sexy. However, rage etched his features as he saw his love, his _Mattie_, forced to wear a complimenting red corset with red tipped inky plumes. As much as he thought Mattie looked gorgeous and plain _arousing_, he didn't like the way the pervy men inspected him like an animal as he awkwardly strutted across the stage.

Arthur was the first to sing, sassily swaying his hips with the grace of a hobo as he moaned,

"_He met Marmalade~~ down IN old MOULIN ROUGE~!  
Struttin' her stuff on the street~_ YOU KNOW IT BABY~!*hic*burp*_  
She said, "Hello, hey Jo, you wanna give it a go?" Oh! Uh huh! _Dammit I gotta- *belch*_"_

With renewed gusto the chorus boomed, "_Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya dada! __Giuchie, Giuchie, ya ya here! Mocha Chocalata ya ya! __Creole lady Marmalade!_" Jerking up, Alfred attempted to break his restraints. '_Why of all days can't I break out of restraints?_' Alfred inwardly cursed. As the chorus, Ivan, and Arthur continued to sing, he inspected the silverware before him. '_Dammit, if Call of Duty taught me anything, it's that I can use anything as a deadly weapon… Oorah!_' Alfred thought, eyeing a rather sharp steak knife. '_Maybe I could use that to pick the lock…_' Trapping the handle with his teeth, Alfred began jiggling the lock, hoping it would break. As he worked on the handcuffs in earnest, Matt scanned the room for his blonde boyfriend. Quirking an eyebrow, Matt continued dancing as he saw Alfred trying to get at something with a steak knife. However, Alfred miraculously broke the lock and slipped out of his seat. Stalking through the ball room, he scanned the edges to find a route to get onto the stage, or at least find a fire alarm. But, surging through the doors of the ballroom were heavily armed men and a disheveled Yao. Yao pouted as he pointed to the stage.

"That's the burly Russian who kidnapped me and his little group of man whores! Get them!"

"STOP SINGING AND PUT YOUR HANDS UP!" The commander of the armed group shouted, and Alfred darted to the side of the stage. Grasping the power switch, he yanked it down, and darkness shrouded the room once more. All the party goers gasped and cried as the group of men rough-housed them searching through the dark. Matt, accompanied by the others, rushed to Alfred. Enveloping Matt in a hug, Alfred kissed his forehead.

"Matt, we need to get our shit together and run!" Alfred whispered harshly to the others, and silently slipped into the side room that led to the dark corridors. Alfred could almost taste fresh air as he raced to the hall with Matt's hand in his. The head leader of makeup, however, was thoroughly pissed off.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" He shrieked, "GET YOUR FASHIONABLE ASSES BACK ON THAT STAGE! And you, red and black, who is like, that cutie you got there?"

"I'd rather live to see my ass, thank you very much. And yes, I am cute. Oorah!" Alfred replied, and they made a mad dash toward the damp halls. Guttural shouts and barks echoed through the corridors as the group ran. Veering down a corner, the group stopped at a fork in the hall.

"Let's go right!" Alfred shouted, but mouthed the words 'to the left'.

"Yea! We should definitely go _right_!" Matt replied with a wink, and Alfred couldn't contain the smirk that unleashed itself on his face. Motioning with his hand to the others, the group went down the left side of the corridor. Running managed to be difficult on Matt, and he stumbled upon rocks in his path. Landing with a sickening crack, Alfred's eyes widened as he saw Matt writhing in pain over his broken ankle. Scooping him up bridal style, Alfred continued his brisk pace down the pathway. However, growls and barks of dogs reverberated down the halls, and Alfred could hear their claws dig into the ground. Sensing the imminent danger to himself and his beloved, Alfred cleared his throat.

"Matt, in my pocket is-"

"A pocket knife, a steak knife, and a rubber. Horny bastard you gotta wait~!" Matt replied cheekily with a giggle, and Alfred smiled despite himself. The moment was ruined when the German Sheppard bounding toward them gnarled its teeth at the duo as its eyes shone red. Matt's tone became urgent as the hound approached. "Alfred, he's gaining on us!"

"MOVE IT BIATCHES!" The manic brunette shrieked, and with warrior-like precision high kicked the dog it mid leap, sending him across the room. The creature's head cracked, and the hound whimpered on the floor. Slapping Alfred's ass along the way, she chortled, "Sillies, you gotta keep going! The entrance is up here!" Pointing ahead, she continued ushering them to follow her as she sprinted down the hall. Finally reaching the outside world, the leader of the whole charade waited before them with two helicopters.

"Hello loveys! Get on the choppers!" She chimed, clasping her hands together. Eyes narrowing, Alfred glared in disgust.

"Why are you helping us? Shouldn't you just let us die?" Alfred retorted with a growl. The blonde leader laughed, and motioned for camera men to get out of the chopper.

"It wouldn't be a very good movie to let my stars die, would it?"

A/N: I think this is nearing the end, folks. This isn't the last chapter, but it's close. Check out the Mating Dance of Pedobear if you haven't already. Again, check out **PinayCoconut **too! I feel so guilty for updating so late and not giving her a proper shout out. I own nothing. :)


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